Keep On Keeping On

It has been one year today since my transplant and Melanie has asked me to do an update for her blog so here goes…

I am not sure why people read blogs, but I suppose it could be to get updates of other’s lives, compare their situation with whomever they are reading about, or maybe because they as an interested reader have more empathy than I can imagine. Regardless of your reason for reading this blog entry I hope that what I say somehow adds to your life, and even more so, that I can be honest as I write and that you won’t be disappointed by what you read.
I have to start this by admitting something that I have rarely even let myself think about, and that is that at times I have wondered if the journey of this past year and a half has been worth it. I say this for several reasons:

First and foremost is the price that was paid to allow me to live beyond the 29th of January 2009. Someone died to allow that to happen. I don’t even have words to begin to explain the pain that their family must have felt that day. I also lack the brain capacity to process how those good people had the wherewithal to look beyond themselves and make a decision that must have turned a very tender situation into a complicated legal and medical process. For me to have an opportunity to live because some other Canadian gave so much causes me to weigh the value of my life.

Second, is the fact that this journey has taken my family and I down a very long and difficult road. Really, I mean this has been hard physically, mentally and emotionally. Physically it has not been a comfortable experience for me and my body is still weak in a lot of ways. But I am getting stronger and I have been blessed with phenomenal support (and when it’s really necessary drugs.) However, I think that the sacrifices and difficulties my children and Melanie have endured over the past year and a half are not fully appreciated, even by me. Somedays I feel like a pig living in a temple. I really don’t understand how they put up with me. So, I wonder somedays if another outcome wouldn’t in some ways have been easier.

Lastly, I wonder what this will all add up to. Will the sacrifice of others and the inconvenience, indignity, and hardship this experience has caused me and my family add up to some miraculous outcome? Was it worth it for a family I will never know to endure greater pain just so I could persist a little bit longer on this earth and continue to struggle myself? Nobody can say for sure.
But, I guess that brings me to the part of this blog entry that I hope will add a little to those who, for whatever reason, take the time to read this. If I have learned anything from this experience, and if I can share with you any wisdom from this part of my life, it might simply be that like Bon Jovi says “You live for the fight when it’s all that you’ve got”.

I am glad to say that in November 2008, when Melanie and I were not quite so sure things would turn out well that that was the sentiment I felt in my heart although I certainly didn’t have words to express it at the time. And, although the road has continued to challenge me I can now see that fighting is the only option. There is no peace to be had by giving up and refusing to engage whatever undesirable entity or force that will relentlessly pummel you, even if you do throw in the towel.

Lately, in some small ways, I have enjoyed the struggles I have had and I hope that gradually over time I will be less of a trial to my family and contribute a greater portion of happiness to them. Perhaps one day I may become like Melanie who has always had an unrelenting capacity to be positive and work quickly through whatever needs to be done.

Until that day I am content to keep on keeping on and accept the fact that neither I nor my donor’s family or even my own family will know for sure which of all the possible outcomes would have been the best. Also, to realize that as we pursue our journeys to completion we must continue to fight. I think it helps to decide ahead of time what things are worth fighting for, what things we want to fight for and may be even some things we will fight against. I have learned too that as our journeys continue, even in times of trial, the things worth fighting for will often bring unbidden smiles to our faces when we take the time to turn our faces toward them.

In the end all we can do is all we can do. When it comes time to make a judgment call as to whether or not it was all worth it the only question we will have to ask ourselves is…well I won’t tell you because you already know what you will ask yourself. But for me, I will need to live in such a way that I can convince myself on that day that during my mortal life I lived, fought and worked unrelentingly to be the best I could be and that I gave even more to my family and those around me than I did to myself.

Perhaps this all seems a little too grandiose and like a lot of over-indulgent philosophy. I acknowledge that many, if not most days, can simply be filled by the quiet enjoyment of our family or our favorite part-times. But, this year and a half has taught me that there is great value in being purposeful and that the act, even the very decision to be diligently striving, brings lasting happiness when balanced with acts that are focused on those we love, or who we may not know well but who are nevertheless deserving (as I hope my donor family has found).

So, I hope that whatever your fight is that you will land some good punches this year and I hope that 2010 will be a great year for all!