This Time Last Year

This is Scott and the kids sometime during the hospital stay before the transplant.

I keep remembering. So much has changed in a year. Yesterday I read many of my updates from the time Scott was in the hospital. Sometimes it seems like a decade ago Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. Scott is in the middle of the plethora of tests that are done one year post transplant. ONE YEAR!!! The tests are annoying and time consuming but worth it. He is alive. He is well. We are together. Our kids have a dad. Blessings.

This time last year we were waiting…wondering… hoping…worrying. We had no idea when the day would come that a heart would be available. I had no idea how close Scott would come to leaving this earth. I see now that I was naïve and unprepared. I remember the warnings from the medical staff of the risks and complications of the heart transplant that I either ignored or didn’t let sink in. I clung to the positive. About 2 months after the transplant, when Scott was back in Calgary, I spoke with one of the cardiologists that we had come to know well during the nearly 2 months Scott was in hospital before his transplant. I asked him if he had any idea how hard the transplant was going to be for Scott. I wanted to know why we weren’t better warned. I’ll never forget how he looked at me and said simply, “There was no other choice”.

I sometimes find myself wondering about the ‘what ifs’ about that time. What if a heart didn’t come? How long would Scott have lasted? What if the new heart worked immediately? How would I have coped either way? How would Scott have coped? I know, I know – why torture myself? I’m the kind of person who keeps looking back and trying to make sense of my life. Scott is the kind of person who just gets on with it and moves forward.

I think one result of this past year is that I am more paranoid about Scott’s health. Every twinge of discomfort he has(and there are many) reminds me of his previous heart failure symptoms and I am in constant fear of rejection. There will always be those risks. I just have to learn to deal with them. I’m getting there. I need to remind myself that every day is a bonus and live accordingly. So here’s to many, MANY more bonus days!