Happy New Heart Day

Today I looked at the calendar and realized that it is almost Scott's 4th anniversary with his new and wonderful heart.    There are some dates of his 6 month hospital stay that are still very fresh in my mind.     January 28 and 29, 2009 felt like one very long, very exciting and very terrible day.  

The news came around suppertime on a Wednesday.   We were told  the news that there was finally a matching heart for Scott after waiting for 2 1/2 months in the hospital.   He was getting sicker and time was running out.      I remember where I was standing and what the weather was like that day.  One of the happiest memories I have is pulling out of my driveway after saying goodbye to the kids.    My oldest child,  Ben, who was 11 was jumping up and down on the driveway in his socks in January!   He was so excited that what we had been hoping and praying for was finally going to happen.

I met Scott at the hospital where the doctor discussed with us what was going to happen.   Scott would be flown via air ambulance to Edmonton.   I would drive the 3 hours there with my dad.     The emotions of that time are still very present as I write this.   Such excitement and nervousness  all mixed together.   The funny thing is that I didn't fear.   I was sure this was the answer and everything would be fine.

Because it was 11:00pm when we arrived at the unfamiliar hospital we had to be let in by security.   The hospital was still, quiet and dim as I attempted to find the unit where Scott would be.    I had to ask a cleaning person where to go as it was not easy to find.  I was relieved to finally be able to see Scott as they washed and prepped him for the operating room.   We met a surgeon as Scott was wheeled down the hall to the OR.  He told me that this surgery may take longer than normal because of Scott's individual complications.   It could take up to 8 hours.   Around 1:00am on Thursday, January 29, 2009 I kissed Scott goodbye and they took him away.

I really had no clue what was in store that day.   I didn't know that it would be the absolute worst day of my life.  I slept a little and paced a lot for those 8 hours.   At 9:00 am I sat in a waiting area expecting at any minute to be told how the surgery had gone.    I hadn't heard a word from anyone at the hospital.  Thankfully I had my dad with me all night.   My wonderful aunt came in the morning as well.    I met a wonderful lady who was also waiting for her brother to have a double lung transplant.   She hadn't heard anything either.    I continued to keep positive and hopeful but then the hours stated to tick by with no news.     Finally, around 2:00pm the surgeon spoke to us.    I remember that little room.   It feels like a movie to me now.   All slow motion and all other sound stops.    The new heart wasn't working.    I can still see the surgeon showing me with his hand how the heart just wasn't squeezing as it should.     I don't understand how a person's body deals with really bad news but I know that I felt numb and not really in myself.    I didn't ask questions.  I couldn't think.   My body moved but I don't remember how.    When we left the room I said I wanted to take a shower at my aunt's house.     I couldn't really process what I had heard.

We left the hospital and I had that shower.   That's when I let the news hit.   I sobbed and sobbed as the water poured down.   I only ever really fell apart when I was alone.   That is always when it hurt the most.   It felt the worst when I went to bed alone at night or drove home alone from the hospital.   I was so close to losing my best friend and the father of my children.

The next 8-10 hours were really what made the day terrible.   I really fell apart.    The bad news kept coming.   First bleeding.   Lots of bleeding.   They still hadn't let me see Scott since I'd left him at 1:00am.   My hope was fading.   My positive attitude was disintegrating.   The hospital halls and waiting areas began to empty along with them.     It was quiet and I had no answers.   A hospital chaplain came to talk to me and left me feeling more desolate than I could ever have imagined.   She was horrible.     She was preparing me for the worst.    I'm sure I was in a state of shock by then.   I couldn't make my body do things.  I could hardly hold my head up.    At 11:00pm I still hadn't seen Scott.   It had been 24 hours since I first arrived at the hospital.   He had been moved to CvICU and was still extremely critical.     Finally a nurse came and told my dad and I that we could see him.    I was in a state where I couldn't even walk to his room.    The nurse went and got a wheelchair and wheeled my to Scott's room.

My dad and I  remember different things about that room.   He remembers the machines and equipment that was on and around Scott.   I remember Scott was white and cold and rigid.  Looking back it seems I should've felt worse for seeing Scott in such a state.   There were multiple nurses in the room doing all sorts of things including squeezing bags of blood so they would enter Scott's body faster.    I didn't feel worse though.   I felt such a relief to see him and know.   I always do better when I know what I'm dealing with.   My imagination makes the unknown much worse for me.   Although Scott was still on the brink of death I felt some peace.   In that busy room my dad was able to find his way around the tubes and wires and machines to place his hands on Scott's head and give him a blessing.   He would be  okay.   And eventually he was.

 I feel like even though I wasn't the one who had the heart transplant I still suffered a trauma.   Talking about it and writing about it helps me to heal emotionally from that day.    Four years later the emotions are not as raw as they once were.   I think I have healed just as Scott has.    

Thank you to those of you who still ask and comment on Scott's health.   He really is doing fantastic.  That day and all of the aftermath were a part of a journey to be who and where we are today.     We are both better for it.

I am grateful for these last 4 years and I hope for 40 more!!