Remembering

I am remembering today.   It is an anniversary of sorts.   Four years ago today Scott was admitted to the hospital.   I had NO IDEA at the time that it would be day one of a 6 month hospital stay.  I had NO IDEA that in 2 ½  months he would have a heart transplant and come VERY close to death.   I had NO IDEA how much I would depend on others and on the Lord for help.   I knew it was bad but I really didn’t know what was in store for our family.

I still have guilt about that day.   Scott had a hernia surgery 3 days before.   Although it was just a day procedure we knew he had increased risks because of his heart failure.   We didn’t know that the stress of the surgery had dramatically decreased his heart function and his other organs were starting to shut down.    I could tell Scott didn’t feel well.  He did just have surgery!   In my defense, he hadn’t felt well for a long time either.

The guilt comes from my treatment of him that day.   I was impatient and annoyed.   I was busy caring for our four children and I felt like I had one more needy, grown-up to care for too.   I had a church meeting to attend that evening and I got everything ready so he could be ‘in charge’ of the the kids while I was gone without having to do much at all.  I was in a hurry to go out the door when Scott asked me in a pathetic voice to get him a drink from the fridge.    I remember grumbling to myself ‘He can’t even get his own drink!?   I’ve been doing everything today and I’m in a hurry.’   I did get him that drink and rolled my eyes on my way out.

I am ashamed to say that I even complained to some friends about Scott’s neediness when they asked me how I was.   I was not compassionate at all.

Can you imagine how I felt when I came home and found my brother there caring for the kids!  Scott had called my parent’s home and told them he needed to go to the hospital.  My dad was at the ER with him.    I hurried to the hospital where we found that his kidneys were failing due to lack of blood flow.   We met with the cardiac transplant team the next morning and started the process of getting a new heart.

I can only now share this story because I have a little perspective now.  I still feel guilty for my bad attitude but I think I learned to be more compassionate because of the experience.   I hope I am more patient and less judgemental too.   I don’t know how it feels to be chronically ill.   I don’t know how it feels to have a failing heart.   I don’t know how it feels to be stuck in a hospital room day after day and be poked and hooked up to stuff and woken up in the middle of the night to take my blood pressure.  I’m glad I don’t know but I hope I can be compassionate to those who have to go through tough times.  

If you are reading this make sure you let your loved ones know that you love them.     Be a little more patient.  Be a little less judgmental.  Show a little more compassion.   You don’t know what tomorrow may bring.